Storytime from the Road Part II: Dead Mouse Gate 2011

He's super cute, right?

Friday afternoon (it was 4 p.m., is that afternoon or early evening? I never know, it's a limbo time.) I was on my way into my apartment after work. I was on the phone with my mom because I utilize my I'm-very-lucky-to-have-it 15 minute commute home from work to chat with her. So I get into my apartment and my cat greets me at the door, meowing at me. I figure this is just like usual, he's telling me he's pissed I left him to go to work, which he does every day when I get home. I'm not lying, he meows constantly when I get home until I pick him up and pet him, like he might die without immediate snuggling. Anyway, I ignore the meowing briefly so I can go into my bedroom and change into my comfy after-work clothes. It should also be noted here that I took off my shoes when I walked into the apartment. (Very cute grey suede wedges, by the way.) Now I'm still on the phone so I'm somewhat in autopilot with the whole changing thing and I have a tendency to pace when I'm on the phone. Drives Zac (my cat) crazy. Anyway, I'd taken off my jewelry and was walking back out of my bedroom for whatever reason when something revolting stopped me dead in my tracks. I realized I've ruined the reveal here with the title but that's ok. Laying there in the little hallway between my bedroom and my bathroom is a DEAD MOUSE.

A little background info: I am ridiculously irrationally freaked out by mice in any form. I can't explain it because I'm not always such a wuss and I haven't always been afraid of mice. But the past 2 years, since we've lived in our old apartment building, I've had a lot more exposure to mice and I've spent more time than I care to admit standing on furniture screaming at Danny and Zac to find and destroy them without me seeing.

Back to the story at hand, I see this dead mouse and of course I start screaming bloody murder. Actually it was more like "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, deadmousedeadmousedeadmouse," at a high pitch and decibel level. Woops, sorry Mom! He's still on the phone, riding in the car with my dad who I can hear saying "What's wrong? Is she ok?" because my screams were loud enough to alarm him through the phone at my mom's ear. My mom, being the graceful and in-control lady she is, proceeds to talk me down off the metaphorical ledge for all of 5 seconds until I realize that I had walked RIGHT BY this dead mouse BAREFOOT and I could have stepped on it with causes we dissolve into a new round of screaming. It's here where my mom says: "You never used to be afraid of mice, I wonder why it's such a problem for you now." NOT HELPFUL, MOM. I don't have time to analyze my psychoses right now, ok? Of course, it was a totally benign and well-intentioned comment but I'm illogical in the face of danger or in the face of a tiny dead rodent that poses no danger to me whatsoever.

Finally, I pull myself together long enough to conclude that something must be done about the mouse corpse. For this task, I of course first turn to Zac and say "Good boy! You are such a good hunter! Could you please get rid of it now?" He looks at me blankly then meows once, which I take to mean: "Bitch, please." Then my next logical step is to whine repeatedly about Danny not being in town and moaning to the gods of rodent behavior that this is only supposed to happen in winter when mice come indoors thus leading me to believe it was safe for Danny to be gone in August and September.

After listening to all of my ridiculous lamenting and avoidances so as not to deal with this myself, my mom, the great mom that she is, manages to both sympathize with my irrational over-dramitization of my plight and inspire me to action. She makes the useful suggestion of covering the dead mouse with something like Kleenex and then sweeping the whole thing into a container that I can dispose of.

Kleenex in hand, I approach the mouse body cautiously, as if it could re-animate into a mouse zombie at ANY second.

Google actually had image results for mouse zombie, and this picture was the least gross.
The Internet is a strange and terrifying place.

Side note: this thing was not in good shape, Zac had done quite the number on him. I throw the Kleenex over the body from a good 2 feet away and it floats down to the mouse, unfortunately leaving the tail exposed. The tails are what really get me. They're not like good animal tails like fluffy cat and dog tails. These are skin tails and they are creepy and gross. Anyway, after gagging and a little more screaming, I pull the Kleenex over enough so it covers the whole thing. I then get a Solo cup and a hand broom and really brace myself for what will surely be the most harrowing part of this Herculean (in my mind) task.

Poor little dead mouse's final resting place.

I sweep the mouse and Kleenex into the cup on the second attempt. On my first attempt, I missed and the mouse fell out of its funeral drapings and I jumped away screaming again before bravely replacing the Kleenex and trying again. Thank God, when I get it all into the Solo cup, the Kleenex is covering the mouse body so I don't have to see it up close. I then run down the hall to the point of panting, clutching the red Solo cup away from my body as far as my arm will stretch. I get to my trash chute, wrench the door open and throw it down. SUCCESS! I jog back to my apartment, gloating to my mom, the poor thing, about my victory over a small dead animal and we say our goodbyes. Her goodbye includes some continued laughter at what a crazy person she has for a daughter. But I am oblivious to this at the time because I am bathing in the glory of my triumph and I text Danny to tell him that I am a hero.

Ten seconds later, I text him to beg him to please come home as soon as possible so I never ever ever have to deal with another mouse, dead or alive, again. My glory was short-lived.

And so closes the story of Dead Mouse Gate 2011.

Inspired by my Blog Title

So in honor of my blog's title, I thought I'd write a post about how my marriage is aided by my husband's and my use of our iPhones. Danny, my husband, is a med student and he's doing 2 away rotations for the next 7 and 1/2 weeks (8 weeks in total), which, in my melodramatic way of looking at these things, is the worst thing ever. Thus, we are forced to expand our media of communication since we do not have that easy access to each other that I took woefully for granted. Thank. God. For. iPhones. Because of these magical devices, we have communicated via the following means today:

*Facebook - Just commenting on a few posts, some comforting witty banter about our cat and Ron Swanson, two of my favorite things I promise you will hear more about as this blog continues.

*Texting - I still resist this so-hip-it's-not-hip-anymore way to get in touch because I am a disaster with texting. I am slow and hate auto correct and get super frustrated, but it's still convenient when you just want to say "hope you're having a good day babe."

*Words with Friends - I consider this communication because we occasionally trash talk each other on the app and I like knowing that he's thinking of me at some point during the day, even if it's just to curse on that SWEET triple letter triple word score I just dropped on him.

*E-mail - My husband sent me an article on the orthopedic benefits of yoga with a little note attached. He's hoping to do his residency in orthopedic surgery and my mom's a yoga teacher, so it's not as random as it seems. Very thoughtful of him.

*Real-live phone conversation - He was on call last night so we didn't get to talk for more than 30 seconds yesterday and it was SO good to hear his voice this afternoon. Um, did I mention he's been gone only 5 days so far? Obviously I am not handling this well, thank god for my new blogging/internet collaging (see previous 2 posts) pasttimes.  

*Instagram picture message - So he could see this (see below) picture of our cat meowing at the door to be let out. That's let out into our hallway which is in no way exciting and I cannot explain Zac's obsession with it. Oh yes, if you have not read my little "about me" blurb, my cat's name is Zac Morris, without the K so he could be unique. 

*Video chat - Now this isn't actually on our iPhones since I don't have Facetime b/c I have the original iPhone 3G, yes that's right, the one they don't even make anymore. [Aside prayer to the Apple gods: Please let the iPhone 5 get released as soon as possible, thanks!] Plus, let's be honest, it's way better to video chat on the much larger computer screen, but STILL, we are so good at keeping in touch via Apple products! Thank you technology for keeping our marriage going despite being 700 miles away from each other! 

One final note: you could obviously do pretty much all of these things with other smart phones but I am an Apple snob, sorry. You will see more lauding of their products by me on this blog I can assure you, but please don't think I'm an actual snob. I don't think I'm better than you in any way other than my taste in electronics. Oh, and in my Words With Friends skills. Seriously, I'm goooooood.